Parenting

1) Go to the supermarket...
Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your entire salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper. Read it for the last time. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their....Methods of discipline, Lack of patience, Appallingly low tolerance levels, Allowing their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve ....their child's Sleeping habits, Toilet training, Table manners, Overall behavior. Enjoy it--it will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

2) To prepare for how the nights will be
To prepare for how the nights will be walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 or 2 a.m. Set the alarm for 3 AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM. Go to bed at 2:45AM. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM. Put the alarm on for 5AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

3) Messes
Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower bed, then, rub them on the clean walls. Now, cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

4) Getting Ready to Take A Child Out
Getting Ready to Take A Child Out. Buy a live octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this --all morning. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house.You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Repeat everything at least, if not more, five times.

5) Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the backseat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There.....perfect.

6) Take with you the nearest thing you can find
Going to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child.... a full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

7) Feeding Time
Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending the spoon is an airplane. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. Tip half of what's remaining into your lap...the other half just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby. Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Disney. Watch nothing else on T.V. for at least five years.

8) Preparing for Diaper Changing
Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about half way in and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for two and a half years.

9) Have someone else continually tug....
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day in which you have an important meeting. Take a cup of cream, and put 1/4 cup lemon juice in it. Stir. Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this mixture. Attempt to wipe it off with this towel. Do NOT change. You have no time. Go directly to work.

10) Borrow two child safety seats and...
Go for a ride, but first.... Find one large cat and one pitbull. Borrow two child safety seats and put both in the back seat of your car. Put the pitbull in the safety seat first. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the other safety seat. For the really adventurous...Run some errands, remove and replace the pitbull and cat at each stop! And give yourself credit! You did this successfully!!!

TOEACHHISPHONE takes suggestions on content to list through our feedback links and email forms. FEEDBACK@TOEACHHISPHONE.COM.